Forgive that last journal entry of over a year ago. No, seriously, because I was fucked up and lost and on drugs, literally.

I haven't written anything meaningful in over a year. I haven't drawn anything. I had to sell my camera because I was starving. And none of this I am telling you to make you pity me; on the contrary - tell me how much of an idiot I was, because that's more likely the truth. I wasted a year on "finding myself", and all I really found was that I needed to stop bitching and start working my ass off for everything.

My naivety was my ultimate downfall. My inability to say no to situations further sealed the deal. But now I have the chance, and hopefully the time, to make things up a bit. It's been a long road even getting to this point. I know I still have much distance to walk.

...It's a nice day for a walk, though.

All I want to do right now is write. And drive. Not at the same time, obviously. But I want to drive somewhere unknown and WRITE for a long time.

So. What's everyone up to? I feel like it's been an awfully long ass time since I've really talked with any of my friends on deviantArt. I feel disconnected. Part of that (a large part) is because I haven't had easy access to the internet in a while. I hate it. But I guess it's good, because now I'm trying to work on a life... rather than just being online all the time. All the same though.... miss you guys.

I've started working for a local radio station in town. Volunteer only, but it's the best work I've ever done. I feel very fortunate to have an outlet that's not just work... or partying. It is work, and it is incredibly fun, but it's because I actually WANT to be a part of something. Not just because I have to be for a grade or a buck. You know? It's cool. Way cool.

I'm unemployed, never been more confused about my life's direction, but... this too shall pass. And eventually, I will be in a place that makes more sense. Well, actually maybe not. Perhaps life is just one long string of nonsense. Maybe we're never supposed to be satisfied. Never content. Never complacent.

Happy to announce that I'm still in madly in love with the same man I've always been in love with. And by always, I mean since May of 2007. He lives thousands of miles away in another world... completely. But it's a world that I feel no less a part of all the same. Weird? Ridiculous? Impractical? Nope. Love is very often impractical in the world's opinion. But fuck the world. It's our world - his and mine - that I'm concerned with. Always will be. And I'm going to see him this summer, come muck or mire, daisies or daffodils.

I've got so much energy tonight. I'm sorry this post is so fucking long.... haha. But I hope you don't mind. And I hope you're all reading this. Or at least one of you out there in this wide, wide, weird world.

It's a strange place to be, in a strange time.

Who are you all voting for in the upcoming presidential elections? Me personally, I'm not voting for anyone. At least I don't intend to now. None of them stick out from the drone of political insanity. I still think we should have elected Howard Dean.

I mean, come on! He was real enough to let loose in front of thousands. He didn't wear a mask, he was just... himself. You know? You know? Seriously, though. I'm tired of this white-washed, bland monotony. And although I admire Obama's honesty, I'm afraid of it too. I think he's made a valiant stand clearing up any possible scandal in his past, but Jesus, is it all a front? Some clear their shit up, and some leave it in the closet till another has to force it to light. But which is the saint? The one who leaves well enough alone and tries to move ahead, forgetting the past, or the one who admits he's got faults? The obvious answer should be the latter, but who are we to judge sinner from saint?

I don't want a president who's going to be some phony voice of the masses, if he's just going to be his own voice anyway. I don't know who to trust. We need a leader who is willing to serve his or her people. Willing to leave his feet dirty for a time while he first cleans the feet of those who put him in office. We don't need a conductor, we need a percussionist. The backbone. The one who keeps the beat while the ensemble shouts its melody to the world.

Where is the dignity - not pride - but dignity of our people? Why, for such a young country, are we so confident in our shaky foundation? Why do we think we are untouchable? I tell you, it's our government who are the terrorists right now. The ones who can sneak and snake in and out of scheme and scam with dirty hands but clean faces are the ones we should fear.

Let us remain immune to the world around us. Immune to the flattery just as we are immune to the flakes and floggers. Deaf to the dandelions and the deceivers. Weed out the over confident, not the weak. Encourage those who stumble. Motivate the depressed and down-trodden. Feed the middle class, people, or surely our society will fall to the feudal lords again.

I can't stop rambling. I have so much on my mind that I'd like to talk about right now. I have so much I would like to pen and ink and paint and sculpt from my brain. I love this feeling. It's a mental desperation, because I fear no one's really listening to what I have to say. They're just waiting for their turn to talk.

But that's ok. Everyone has a voice. This time we should hear out the masses and the minorities. We should give everyone a chance to speak their minds. When you look at the bum on the street, do you see him as a man or a mongrol? When you meet the millionaire, do you view him as a tycoon... or a tyrant?

I'm not vying for communism here, don't get me wrong. Fabulous idea, but it's worth nothing except on paper. No one will ever be fully sharing and caring, because we've all got our skins to worry about. Survival of the fittest is a bitch, and unfortunately that's all we're about right now.

Then maybe we need a revolution. An upheaval of tradition, the mundane, and the over-willingness to simply settle. If you settle for less, you'll never gain those miles we need to traverse. Will we ever reach those places? No. Never. But we're giving up because all we see is an endless stretch. It's intimidating to imagine that we're only a drop in the bucket. We don't see that as the blessing it should be. Because we're just too fucking afraid to keep pushing.

We've got a choice: settle, and sink, and remain left behind... or push, and keep pushing, and keep pushing some fucking more. The beauty of infinity is exactly what makes it ugly and frightening.

We've been beaten down, but are we going to keep taking the beating? For a time, we may have to. But take it with a smile, because it's not always going to be like that. You'll have good days, and you'll have shit days. Shit jobs. Shit lives. Shit husbands, and shit wives. Shit tasks and masks that we don't want to wear any longer. Take the disguises off, if you're made of anything. But don't be quick to succeed, because once you submit yourself to your fate, you'll have one hell of a battle on your hands. Yes, my friends, it's not easy being green or mean or just yourselves... but that's what makes it worthwhile. Nothing easy ever comes with a reward worth spitting about.

...Looking at your good weed under a magnifying glass?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong with that.


There is something wrong with blowing snoz bubbles, however.




....That is all.

Ever gotten one of these?


..."OMG! you're a GENIUS! Why don't you join the poetry contest from [link] ? Free to enter, 100k prizes. You MUST win it!"....


If you're a genius, click the fucking link and then let's talk.


....Guys, seriously, don't fall for that. Just a helpful little warning for those who might take the overly excitable note seriously.

Changes. Continuous changes. The only thing that maintains consistency is the promise of change.

I... think that's a good thing.