Well.... updates.

Why is it such a huge deal if you get something pierced? I just had my lip done, I've wanted it done for years. Parents hate it, of course. They say my lip will never be the same, that I ruined myself, that I'm ruining my life.... or at least, that's what they WILL say when they see it. I'm not over-dramatising, it's the complete truth.

Second.... I talk to them about schooling in the UK, my dad's all for it, my mom thinks I'm out of my mind and impractical.

Third.... they're coming to visit in a few weeks. Joy of joys, I get to spend a gruelling weekend with the reason I left home in the first place. ...Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. And I actually get on quite well with my dad, when my mom's not around. My mother seems to think there's some incurable fault deep within my DNA that makes me who I am - someone she needs to change.

I hate to sound like such a whiner, but ...in all honesty, this is the hardest time of my life so far. Well, really that's only because I'm learning loads of new things about the unknown and myself.... But in such a transitionary time, it'd be swell to have some backing (real, HONEST support) from the two who so "lovingly" created me.

I put quotations around "lovingly" simply because I don't feel my parents truly love each other. They married because I came along, I came along because the condom broke, and they were together out of the necessity of loneliness. Forgive my cynicism, but if you knew them, you'd see what I mean. Most assuredly.

So at any rate... I feel this is the calm before the storm. Sure, the waves are tossing my little plank of driftwood around a bit now; but when the shit hits the fan, I'll be faced with one hell of a massive front. How should I go about this? The issues I've discussed above are really only a fraction of what my relationship is like with those two. Should I fight them on this? Should I state my case and stand my ground? Or... should I feel guilty for wanting to argue with my parents for my own freedom?

Every child is faced with this at some point. Which is why I tend to think I should go for the former.

Updates:

Got a new job at a call center... started this Monday, the 2nd of July.

Working on saving up as I go... travelling to Manchester, UK in October to visit my love, scope out the area, and make preparations for the coming months.

Moving to Manchester, UK by March of '08.

Don't give a fuck about the 4th of July, because we've never had independence from our ignorance. So there's nothing to celebrate.

Can't wait till I can get back to studying; by the time I go back it'll be two years since I've attended any sort of school. (I realise people take hiatus from school all the time... however I'm impatient and I feel worthless when I'm not doing anything with myself.)

Can't wait to get back into the lens... again, driving me insane that I haven't done anything much besides work and sleep lately.



At any rate, though.... for more pointless updates on Sadie's life, feel free to write her an email.

What's on second... I dunno's on third. Yeah, fuck off.

Sorry, folks, but it's come to my attention that people generally suck. The vast majority of suckers don't really include you guys on dA, so you're safe. You can breathe a heavy sigh of relief. (yeah, I know I sound cocky and bitchy right now... hear me out, please.)

Anyhoo, I went home for a few days to see my parents and all. At first, it was awesome. Relaxed, creative, fun; then it all turned to shit after my mom saw me smoking a cig. Yeah, yeah, I know what you must be thinking - "what the fuck? are you just gonna sit there and complain about your parents??" I'm not complaining. I'm spillin' the beans, letting this frustration out. Because otherwise my bottled emotions would lead me to go absolutely crazy and become the worst dictator the world has ever seen. (it's always simple things like that which cause someone to go crazy, don't you know? with hitler it was lack of support for his art... no one expected genocide.)

I'm not saying I'm a budding female hitler here. But what I am saying is, if my 'rents don't fucking start giving me some peace and freedom, how will I ever fly? Yeah, they gave me wings (allegedly), but they won't give me the chance to fucking take off.

Right now is a very stressful time in my life. I'm on the razor's edge and I've got to fight for every little thing I have. If all goes the way I dreamt it would my whole life, I'll be in the UK in a matter of months. Living, working, studying. Loving life again. Being where I want to be. Where I've always fucking wanted to be. Not in this shithole that tries too hard to be accepted but then doesn't give a fuck about anyone else (yeah, that's right - you heard me, america).

I want to be creative again, but I feel stifled here. I feel straight-jacketed into a life someone else wants me to live. Not until recently have my 'rents even given two cents about me; now all the sudden they're "making up for lost time" and living vicariously through me. It's too much pressure, and not good pressure. You know? Eh, whatever.

Mark my words, I will reach my goals. All of them. But I'm gonna have to pull out my hair to get there, I know it.

Just went grocery shopping. Decided to come on devArt, and FINALLY update my journal... that last entry (about valentine's day) was kinda obnoxious.

Anyhoo, I bought some good things at the store, and I think my next project in the kitchen is going to be making some fresh salsa with jalapenos, hothouse tomatoes, poblano peppers, onions, cilantro, lime, garlic, and a bit of salt. I'll roast the peppers and tomatoes so their flavor can sweat out in the mix.

Then I think I'm gonna make some cilantro rice just to keep in the fridge for whenever... I'm in a very kitchen-y mood, I must say.

It just feels good when you can buy food, you know?

Here's to climbing out of debt.

The drone, the words, the people milling about in their daily lives thinking they know what's to know and they are the only ones who have been gifted enough to know it. 'You've got cancer', 'you're a failure because you eat salty foods', 'you haven't got a chance in the world because you aren't wealthy', and, this one I abso-fucking-lutely adore, 'I love you'.

This Valentine's Day came and went, like any other day. Except for this: that it simply made me realize we're all clueless when it comes to how to love our own selves. Yes, that's right, I said it. Who among you is going to dispute that? Do you honestly, truly, deeply, REALLY love yourself? Not like Narcissus, come on. And not like Hitler, either, people. There have been plenty of selfanizers out there, I'm not asking for a carbon copy of Miss Paris Hilton or any of the ego-ridden children of the world.

You may say you love yourself, that you want what's best for number one, that you understand what it means to respect yourself enough to respect any other person, but I think you're lying to yourself. I'm lying to myself, too. So what's a girl or guy to do?

Should we give up, kick the bucket, or go on a rampage in a crowded shopping mall just to "make a point"? Should we cry, see a shrink, or pray to God that He'll show us the way? Well, we all know how good God is at showing us the way. No, we have to figure it out ourselves. Alone. Without the flowers, chocolates, and candy coated kisses that last and last and last. Without the significant other, without the person who "completes" you. If you can't complete yourself on your own, then maybe Valentine's Day is for you. Good luck, but I don't envy you. Not in the least.

This day, I proclaim solitude and meditation. This day, I boycott the matrimonious masses. This day, I choose to love myself instead.